At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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