The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
