oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
