So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
