I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
