Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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