i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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