1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
