He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
