Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
