So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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