her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
