I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
