I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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