Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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