don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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