Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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