In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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