happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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