My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
