no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
