My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
