There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
