He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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