So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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