dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
