You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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