She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And then he peed in my hair
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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