so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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