I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
