My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
