Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Is it because I queefed?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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