the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The Olympian is in my bed
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