Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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