Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
