this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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