His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
