If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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