He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
