i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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