I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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