Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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