I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
