I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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