he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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