why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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