just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
