my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
