smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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