Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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