I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
