I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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