a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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