Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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